


my life is better

by forestjoshua



Category: SKAM (France)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Established Relationship, Fluff and Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-01
Updated: 2019-04-01
Packaged: 2019-12-30 17:07:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,817
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18319613
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/forestjoshua/pseuds/forestjoshua
Summary: That day, a couple of days after their first kiss. Lucas had been taking a biology test. He remembered Eliott’s smile as he looked through the window, making Lucas’s heart beat faster. He remembered his heart soaring as Eliott told him he had ended things with Lucille. And then, the conversation had somehow turned to Lucas’s mother. Lucas had said,I don’t need crazy people in my life.Instantly, Lucas felt shame wash over him.--Lucas remembers something and needs to let Eliott know his words didn't mean anything.





	my life is better

Eliott was feeling better.

Substantially.

Everything wasn’t perfect yet – nor it’d ever be _absolutely_ perfect, that was just how life worked, but there was little more light in Eliott’s eyes every day. He still looked tired to Lucas, shoulders hunched, those dark circles ever present around his lovely eyes.

He had gone home for a few days. Then, he’d come right back to Lucas. Lucas knew that Eliott shouldn’t always be with Lucas, that he needed to have time with his family. Lucas knew that he was being selfish, wanting Eliott all to himself.

Eliott smiled more, laughed more, studied more. He still slept a lot. He still sank to his thoughts, and Lucas was there with him, every step of the way. Because never again would Eliott have to be alone.

They were in Lucas’s room. It was weird for Lucas to have a room again. At the same time, he had missed it a lot. The privacy. His own space. Though, he loved Manon. He truly did, she was like a sister to him. He would’ve never guessed that he’d become so close with Emma’s new friend. He already missed Manon a lot. Manon was an easy person to confide in. In a way, she was Lucas’s rock, maybe in a different way than Yann was, but still. Luckily, she wouldn’t go far. Lucas would still see her. Every day, if he wanted to.

Eliott was lying next to him. He’d come to spend the night with Lucas but would be going back to his parents again tomorrow. And Lucas would miss him, count the minutes, as always.

It wasn’t late, yet. Lucas could hear that the TV was on in the living room. He could hear Mika’s muffled voice as he was on the phone with someone. Eliott’s eyes were closed and he was breathing softly. Lucas lay awake, staring at the ceiling. He felt content, basking in the warmth of Eliott’s body that was pressed against his side, Eliott’s arm slung over his chest.

Lucas had honestly thought Eliott had fallen asleep, ages ago, until his boyfriend murmured, “I’m sorry.”

“Huh?” Lucas said, trying look at Eliott in the dark. He only saw the vague shape of him.

Too often had Lucas heard those words fall from Eliott’s lips. Only a couple of times they had been justified.

“Eliott? What is it?” Lucas asked. Eliott shifted against him, pressing his face into the crook of Lucas’s neck.

Eliott had been feeling good today until the evening, when he had become quieter and quieter. Lucas had suggested that they’d go to bed a little earlier. Eliott had agreed.

Mumbling, Eliott said, voice raspy, “I’m sorry you’re stuck with me. I’m not what you need in your life.”

“What?” Lucas replied, voice laced with worry.

“You said it yourself,” Eliott said, turning on his side. He was back to Lucas now. They weren’t touching anymore.

Eliott’s words didn’t make sense to Lucas. He wanted to demand for an explanation but knew better. He didn’t want to push Eliott. He didn’t want to fight.

But his worry didn’t decrease. Something was bothering Eliott, something he didn’t dare to talk to Lucas about. It was something to do with _Lucas._

An ugly feeling ate Lucas’s insides. He glanced at Eliott’s direction, pondering whether he could touch him. He found it best to just ask. “Eliott?”

Eliott didn’t reply. Lucas could only hear his breathing. Hesitantly, he reached for Eliott’s shoulder, pressing his palm against it. “Eliott?” Lucas tried again, shaking him gently. Still, no reaction. Eliott was either asleep or pretending to be asleep.

Lucas crawled closer, spooning Eliott, pressing his forehead between Eliott’s shoulder blades. He tried to banish the anxious thoughts bouncing around his head. He tried to sleep. They could try to deal with everything tomorrow. Maybe it would end in a fight. Maybe it wouldn’t.

_I’m not what you need in your life. You said it yourself._

What had prompted those ugly words?

Lucas was starting to doze off, breathing in Eliott’s scent, thoughts slowly fizzling out, leaving him alone. He was on the edge of sleep, when he suddenly snapped awake, remembering.

That day, a couple of days after their first kiss. Lucas had been taking a biology test. He remembered Eliott’s smile as he looked through the window, making Lucas’s heart beat faster. He remembered his heart soaring as Eliott told him he had ended things with Lucille. And then, the conversation had somehow turned to Lucas’s mother. Lucas had said,

_I don’t need crazy people in my life._

Instantly, Lucas felt shame wash over him. Shame that he had said those words about his mother who he loved tremendously. To Eliott. A boy he loved, and a boy who loved him. Those words must have crushed Eliott. It was Lucas who should have been sorry.

Lucas squeezed Eliott harder. He had told Eliott he wanted him in his life. He had proved it. Did Eliott believe him? Did he go back to that moment over and over again? Did he repeat Lucas’s words to himself, held them as proof?

Lucas wished he’d never said those words. They weren’t true. He wanted his mother in his life. He wanted _Eliott_ in his life.

Lucas didn’t sleep.

 

\--

 

In the morning, Lucas was yawning. Eliott turned to look at him as they were walking to their classes, holding hands. Arthur was strolling next to them, looking at his phone. Something glinted in Eliott’s eyes. Lucas knew Eliott already extremely well, but he couldn’t read what that look meant. He wondered if Eliott remembered what he had said last night or if he had been too exhausted.

They stopped, as Eliott had to go to the other direction. He offered Lucas a quick smile and a kiss. “See you after class,” he assured Lucas, squeezing his hands.

“See you after class,” Lucas repeated, watching Eliott’s back as he was walking away from Lucas.

He didn’t know how to bring it up. He wanted to. He _needed_ Eliott to know that what Lucas had once said had been total bullshit.

“Lucas? Everything okay?” Arthur asked, nudging Lucas’s shoulder.

“Yeah. Let’s go,” Lucas said, suppressing another yawn. He had spent the night berating himself. Hating himself. And trying to hold Eliott as close as possible.

He threw himself next to Imane in the biology classroom. Imane, ever observant, shot him a confused glare. “Morning,” she said.

“Morning,” Lucas muttered, rubbing his eyes.

“Didn’t sleep well?” Imane guessed.

“Hmm,” Lucas only hummed, taking his books out and trying to locate the right page.

“Is everything okay? With you and Eliott?”

“We’re fine,” Lucas assured. “Just couldn’t sleep. It happens.”

Imane left him alone and they focused on following the lesson.

 

\--

 

Since Eliott wanted to go home and try to study, Lucas invited Yann over to the flat share. He understood Eliott completely – Eliott had already failed the exams once, completely skipping them. It was something he didn’t like to talk about, even with Lucas. He was ashamed of that and it was exceedingly important for him to pass them this time.

There was no sight of Mika and Lisa was in her room. Lucas and Yann occupied the couch and put on some American action film, which Lucas soon found to be quite boring. Yann was completely engrossed in it, shoving popcorn into his mouth, leaning forward towards the screen. Lucas’s focus was soon on his phone. He scrolled through Instagram and ended up looking at his own account. All his recent posts were related to Eliott. Lucas had fallen head over heels, and fast.

Who could blame him?

Lucas opened Eliott’s contact. He missed him. Gosh, Lucas felt pathetic. He was probably was a clingy and annoying boyfriend. He closed Eliott’s contact, sighing.

“Is something wrong, Lucas?” asked Yann.

Lucas chewed on his lip. He had promised Yann he’d talk to him if he ever needed that. Pausing the movie, Yann turned to Lucas, eyes concerned. He waited.

He hadn’t been able to say anything to Arthur or Imane. But he _could_ speak to Yann.

“I said something awful to Eliott,” Lucas whispered, voice almost breaking.

Yann leaned closer. “What? Today?” he said, confused. “I was with you between classes the whole day. And at lunch. If I recall correctly, the most awful thing you said to him was ‘you have beautiful eyes’.”

Blushing, Lucas rolled his eyes. Mika was continually joking that Lucas and Eliott’s honeymoon phase would never be over. Lucas was starting to agree.

It must have sucked for Yann and Arthur to be constantly around Lucas and Eliott _and_ Basile and Daphné. Though Yann was apparently seeing Chloé now. Lucas had to admit he was a little weirded out by that but at least Yann was genuinely interested in Chloé.

“Not today,” Lucas said, “This was a long ago. Before we were actually together.”

Frowning, Yann said, “Well, if it was that long ago there’s a fair chance he doesn’t even remember it. I mean… That guy is totally gone for you, Lucas.”

A smile tickled Lucas’s lips. He played with the phone in his hands. “No, Yann. He does remember.”

“Are you sure?”

“Positive.”

“What did you say?” Yann asked.

Lucas didn’t want to repeat those words, ever again. But maybe he had to, to make Yann understand the situation. He ran his hands through his hair. “We were talking about my mom,” Lucas told Yann, “And… It was the time when I didn’t speak to her. You know I do that now.” Yann nodded, encouraging Lucas to go on. “I didn’t think what I was saying,” Lucas huffed out, “And a blurted out, right to his face, that I didn’t need crazy people in my life.”

“And you didn’t know he was bipolar at the time?” Yann stated, frowning.

“No. You know how I found that out.”

Yann was silent. Anxiously, Lucas buried his face in his hands, groaning. “Last night, when he was really tired, he said to me that ‘I’m not what you need in your life. You said it yourself.’ Yann, that broke my heart.”

“You need to let him know that those words aren’t true. They aren’t, right?” Yann checked.

“Of course not,” Lucas said, “And I’ve made it clear several times that I want and need him in my life. I don’t know how to be without him anymore. Every time I’ve lost him it has been pure agony.”

“Have you talked about that time you said those words?” Yann asked Lucas.

“No,” Lucas admitted, “I didn’t even remember until last night. I’m the worst boyfriend ever.”

At that, Yann scoffed, “Lucas, don’t sit there and blatantly lie to me. You have to be brave and bring it up with him. Let him know it wasn’t true. That you aren’t that person. Eliott will understand.”

Lucas nodded. Yann was probably right. Lucas couldn’t let this thing eat him up. He could let it eat Eliott up, either.

“Come here, Lucas,” Yann sighed, opening his arms. Lucas let his best friend hug him. “It’ll be alright,” he reassured Lucas, patting his back.

Lucas tried to comfort himself with the thought that Yann was often right.

 

\--

 

After Yann left, Lucas sat impatiently in his room. He was trying to work on a biology assignment, but thoughts about Eliott plagued him.

Suddenly, Lucas couldn’t wait a second longer. He jumped out of his chair and marched out of the room. Mika and Lisa were in the living room. Mika was painting Lisa’s finger nails, Lisa looking indifferent, as usual.

Mika watched as Lucas grabbed his jacket. “Where are you going?” he asked.

“To Eliott’s,” Lucas said.

“Of course,” Mika snorted. Lisa rolled her eyes. “Right, tell him hi?”

“Yeah, sure,” Lucas said and jogged out of the apartment, aiming to catch the next bus. When he was passing a flower shop, Lucas had to stop. He had made it a surprising habit to occasionally bring Eliott flowers. Eliott always looked perplexed when Lucas handed him a bouquet. And when he was perplexed, he was adorable. That was the main reason Lucas kept buying him flowers.

The other reason was that he deeply loved Eliott and he could express it with the flowers.

Lucas appeared on Eliott’s doorstep in record time. It was Eliott’s mother who opened the door, eyes wide and confused as he took in Lucas and the flowers.

“Hello, Lucas. What are you doing here?” she asked gently.

“Hello, Mrs. Demaury. Eliott is home?” Lucas said, rocking anxiously back and forth on the balls of his feet.

Eliott’s mother’s eyes twinkled at Lucas. They reminded Lucas of Eliott because Eliott seemed to have inherited his mother’s eyes. “Yes. Dear God, we can’t keep you two apart, can we?” she sighed, though benevolently.

Lucas laughed nervously. “I need to speak to him.”

“Are the flowers for me?” teased Mrs. Demaury.

“Maybe next time,” Lucas chuckled, already on his way to Eliott’s room.

Eliott was hunched at his desk. Several books were open in front of him. Lucas could see he wasn’t writing down anything: he was drawing. Eliott’s ears were covered by headphones.

Slowly, Lucas approached him. He crouched next to him, touching his arm. Starting, Eliott turned to look at Lucas. Dubstep was blasting from the headphones. When Lucas offered Eliott the flowers, Eliott smiled. He pushed the headphones aside, accepting the bouquet.

“Lucas? What’s this?” he asked, puzzled.

Not replying, Lucas glanced at Eliott’s notes. He had been sketching little raccoons and hedgehogs in the margins.

“Lucas?” Eliott asked again.

“Let’s sit down and talk,” Lucas decided. Something flickered over Eliott’s face and the look in his eyes was haunted. He dropped the flowers on the desk and stood up. They made their way to Eliott’s bed, sitting on the edge of it. Lucas took one of Eliott’s hands in both of his, playing with his long fingers. “Last night,” he started, ceasing when Eliott hung his head.

“Lucas…” Eliott tried to say but didn’t get the words out. Lucas shuffled closer to Eliott so that his chest was brushing Eliott’s arm.

“Eliott. Baby. I remember what I said back them. You do know that is not true?”

Eliott looked at Lucas. His eyes were glistening. Needing to make it better, Lucas gripped Eliott’s hand tighter.

“I am so sorry, Eliott,” Lucas whispered vehemently, “I know that must have hurt you a lot. And I never wanted that. Hurting you is the last thing I ever want to do. The thing is, I’ve grown a lot as a person during these last weeks. That’s partly because of you, Eliott. I want to thank you. You are an amazing, beautiful, brave and kind person. There is nothing wrong with you and I will want you in my life as long as you’ll have me.”

Now, the tears had spilled over on Eliott’s cheeks. However, Lucas could see they were happy tears. Tears of relief. Smiling radiantly, Eliott clutched Lucas close to him, burying his face into Lucas’s neck.

“Lucas, you’re forgiven. I forgave you long ago. I know what you said is not true. But you know how I am. Sometimes I can’t help it and then those words come back to haunt me. In my heart, I’ll always know that you didn’t mean them.”

“Good,” Lucas whispered, pressing kisses into Eliott’s hair.

Eliott laughed. “Lucas, you’re such an overtly romantic sap. I love you so much. You’re the best boyfriend ever, you know that?”

“Yann also told me that,” Lucas said. Eliott lifted his head, looking at Lucas.

“Yann?” he asked, raising his brows.

Chuckling, Lucas explained, “Yes. Yann gave me a little pep talk.”

“I’m glad you have a friend like him,” said Eliott.

“He’s your friend, too,” Lucas pointed out. He knew Eliott didn’t have friends besides Lucas’s, and the girls. He also suspected that once Eliott had his own friends – of course he must have, Eliott was charming by nature and such a nice person that he was easy to befriend. Lucas would know. Lucas thought how lonely Eliott must have been when he transferred. What happened with his possible past friends was a discussion for another time, however. Right now, Lucas concentrated on holding onto Eliott.

What made Eliott change schools was something Lucas was curious to know. He also acknowledged it was up to Eliott to tell him about what happened when he would be ready. Lucas could wait. He could wait forever.

There was a knock on the door and Eliott’s mother opening it. He looked at the two boys clutching at each other and asked, “Am I interrupting something?”

“No, mom,” Eliott beamed.

“Are you staying for dinner, Lucas?” she asked.

“Sure,” said Lucas. He stood up, pulling Eliott with him. Hand in hand, they followed Eliott’s mother.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> i really wished what lucas said would have been addressed in the show. since it didn't happen i had to do it myself.
> 
> i am in love with the headcanon that lucas regularly buys eliott flowers.
> 
> [my tumblr](http://tonvrogers.tumblr.com)


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